Tuesday, July 12, 2005
Becoming the Man I’ve Always Wanted to Be
Do you ever have a day when you feel really proud of yourself?
I have been working so hard at my job these days. I’ve come up with some great ideas and I’ve actually put them into action without being encouraged or discouraged to do so. I basically saw a need for improvement and took it upon myself to take care of business. While I don’t feel economically benefited by the extra work, the whole thing is doing wonders for my psyche. My days are going by a lot faster and I feel like I’m an integral part of my staff. I’m not the boss of anyone, but the title “Office Manager” has made me feel really good about myself. And maybe that’s the most important thing anyway.
Last night I spent some time with Paul. Without getting too much into detail (because it upsets him when I write about him in my journal – hence my lack of that lately), Paul has been treating me with more respect than ever before and he’s turned into the cutest man on the planet. He makes jokes and goes all crazy some times and I just die laughing. It’s impossible not to. This is all very well and good, except that I made the decision a month or so ago to break up with him at the end of the year. For so long I’ve been living my life for other people, Paul included. Through therapy and through some major determination to get my life in order, I’ve made the difficult decision to live for myself.
Since I made that change, Paul has really put in an effort to be the boyfriend that I need. I mean, we’re still struggling in the sex department, but living together has become an absolute joy. However, I’ve already made the decision to move out on my own when our lease is up on December 1st. And I’m someone who is ALL about making decisions and sticking by them. Yet this time, I’m really going to have to learn how to be patient and to take each day and each step as they come. I love Paul dearly, but making him my number one priority for the last five years has caused me quite a bit of heartache and really set me back from the goals I want to achieve in this city. If I can figure out how to still grow and accomplish what I want to accomplish, then maybe Paul and I have a chance. If I can’t figure that out, then it’s clear to me that I need to move out on my own and give Joe CuttheShit a chance to develop. Maybe I’m not ready for a relationship of such a serious nature anymore. Maybe I need to have a relationship with myself until I gain some stability in my life.
In either case, I’m having another great day today. I find that being busy and getting shit done makes me feel strong and capable of conquering anything. I’ve also found pride in each small step I’ve made thus far encouraging me to continue making steps.
Yesterday, I was on the subway home and I was bopping my head along with my Itunes, when suddenly this guy walked up to me and handed me a piece of paper. I had no idea what the fuck was going on, so I held the paper in my hand and watched him walk off the subway. I opened it up and inside it said “Hi. I think you look like a nice guy and would like to get to know you better.” This was followed by his phone number. I was elated. I think my new found confidence and happiness is allowing other people to see me in a new light as well. Unfortunately, I thought the guy was kind of busted, so I threw the number away when I got off the train. But how cool was that?
I’m wearing shorts, sandals, a t-shirt today and I feel fucking adorable. What a difference being happy makes. I’m learning to let go of a lot of the anger that I’ve been carrying around for the past year and more importantly, I’m feeling less stressed about everything because I’m mastering the art of “letting things go”. It’s about fucking time.
I moved to this city to realize my dream as an actor. For years I sat here thinking that I was ugly or fat or not talented enough for the big time.
Was I fucking crazy?? I’m more than talented, I’m definitely a good looking bwah, and my personality is so much more fun and laid back when I’m not criticizing myself for every little thing. When people get pissed at me now, I debate whether or not it’s something that deserves to be confronted and if it doesn’t, then I back off and let whoever is pissed be pissed. Cuz at this point, my primary focus is myself. And I think that after 28 years of putting myself second to everything else, I deserve to be number one.
Right?
So right.
Do you ever have a day when you feel really proud of yourself?
I have been working so hard at my job these days. I’ve come up with some great ideas and I’ve actually put them into action without being encouraged or discouraged to do so. I basically saw a need for improvement and took it upon myself to take care of business. While I don’t feel economically benefited by the extra work, the whole thing is doing wonders for my psyche. My days are going by a lot faster and I feel like I’m an integral part of my staff. I’m not the boss of anyone, but the title “Office Manager” has made me feel really good about myself. And maybe that’s the most important thing anyway.
Last night I spent some time with Paul. Without getting too much into detail (because it upsets him when I write about him in my journal – hence my lack of that lately), Paul has been treating me with more respect than ever before and he’s turned into the cutest man on the planet. He makes jokes and goes all crazy some times and I just die laughing. It’s impossible not to. This is all very well and good, except that I made the decision a month or so ago to break up with him at the end of the year. For so long I’ve been living my life for other people, Paul included. Through therapy and through some major determination to get my life in order, I’ve made the difficult decision to live for myself.
Since I made that change, Paul has really put in an effort to be the boyfriend that I need. I mean, we’re still struggling in the sex department, but living together has become an absolute joy. However, I’ve already made the decision to move out on my own when our lease is up on December 1st. And I’m someone who is ALL about making decisions and sticking by them. Yet this time, I’m really going to have to learn how to be patient and to take each day and each step as they come. I love Paul dearly, but making him my number one priority for the last five years has caused me quite a bit of heartache and really set me back from the goals I want to achieve in this city. If I can figure out how to still grow and accomplish what I want to accomplish, then maybe Paul and I have a chance. If I can’t figure that out, then it’s clear to me that I need to move out on my own and give Joe CuttheShit a chance to develop. Maybe I’m not ready for a relationship of such a serious nature anymore. Maybe I need to have a relationship with myself until I gain some stability in my life.
In either case, I’m having another great day today. I find that being busy and getting shit done makes me feel strong and capable of conquering anything. I’ve also found pride in each small step I’ve made thus far encouraging me to continue making steps.
Yesterday, I was on the subway home and I was bopping my head along with my Itunes, when suddenly this guy walked up to me and handed me a piece of paper. I had no idea what the fuck was going on, so I held the paper in my hand and watched him walk off the subway. I opened it up and inside it said “Hi. I think you look like a nice guy and would like to get to know you better.” This was followed by his phone number. I was elated. I think my new found confidence and happiness is allowing other people to see me in a new light as well. Unfortunately, I thought the guy was kind of busted, so I threw the number away when I got off the train. But how cool was that?
I’m wearing shorts, sandals, a t-shirt today and I feel fucking adorable. What a difference being happy makes. I’m learning to let go of a lot of the anger that I’ve been carrying around for the past year and more importantly, I’m feeling less stressed about everything because I’m mastering the art of “letting things go”. It’s about fucking time.
I moved to this city to realize my dream as an actor. For years I sat here thinking that I was ugly or fat or not talented enough for the big time.
Was I fucking crazy?? I’m more than talented, I’m definitely a good looking bwah, and my personality is so much more fun and laid back when I’m not criticizing myself for every little thing. When people get pissed at me now, I debate whether or not it’s something that deserves to be confronted and if it doesn’t, then I back off and let whoever is pissed be pissed. Cuz at this point, my primary focus is myself. And I think that after 28 years of putting myself second to everything else, I deserve to be number one.
Right?
So right.
